


Lost

by amorluzymelodia



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-12
Updated: 2014-10-12
Packaged: 2018-02-20 20:21:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2441783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amorluzymelodia/pseuds/amorluzymelodia





	Lost

Sam’s hand rubbed over your stomach slowly, his eyes full of love and adoration. You were lying in bed in the early hours of the morning, just being with one another. Your body had taken the phrase “morning-sickness” literally and you woke up around three or four every morning, running to the toilet and getting violently ill. After you’d brushed your teeth and your stomach calmed down Sam would be ready with a glass of water and open arms, literally. He would wrap his body around you, lulling you into a deep sleep once again. This morning you’d woken up later—but still early—and thrown up at around six. You wanted to let Sam sleep but when you walked out of the bathroom he was already awake, his face lit up by the screen on his phone. He smiled sleepily at you when and you cradled your stomach lovingly.  
“This kid better sleep through the night to make up for all this sleep I’m losing.” You said quietly and Sam laughed.  
“C’mere,” he said, locking his phone and holding his arms out to you. You hopped into bed with him and curled up against his side. Sam wrapped his arms around you, one hand lying possessively on your stomach. There was barely a bulge but you both already felt so much love for the tiny life inside of you. Sam kissed your stomach gently and you thought back to the day you’d told him, and how terrified you’d been.  
“Shit, shit, shit!” you cried, covering your mouth with your hand. You counted again, making sure you were correct, and came up with the same answer. Yep, your period was a week and a half late. It wasn’t that you were always regular but you were never this late. Without thinking you raced out of the motel room, thankful that Sam and Dean were on a supply run, and jumped the nearest car you could find. You raced to the drugstore in the opposite direction Sam and Dean would go. The man behind the counter looked at you awkwardly when you slammed three tests down but said nothing when you paid and bolted to the bathroom without so much as a word.  
You sat on the edge of the sink, counting down the seconds in your head. One minute…two minutes… the time seemed to tick on endlessly. You’d never been this nervous before, not even on particularly difficult hunts, or when Sam and Dean came back with their stomachs practically hanging from their bodies. Nothing compared to the butterflies you felt now.  
You finally counted to three and a half minutes and picked up the first stick, almost not wanting to look. But you did look, and the tiny blue plus sign staring up at you made your stomach drop further and your throat close up. You picked up the second; positive. The third…positive.  
You sunk to the disgusting floor of the gas station bathroom and clutched your head in your hands. Your mind moving a million miles an hour but one thing kept popping up over and over.  
“How am I going to tell Sam?”  
There was no question that he was the father. The two of you had hit it off immediately and after only a few weeks you stated dating. Needless to say it was difficult to keep your hands off each other—much to the annoyance of Dean. You’d grown comfortable with the place you were at…and now it was being ruined, because you were too stupid to remember protection. It was true…it only took once.  
You barely registered the sharp knock at the door until a voice followed it.  
“Um…miss? You okay in there?” you opened the door to reveal the clerk, looking confused and concerned.  
“I’m okay,” you said unconvincingly and moved past him, driving back to the motel in a daze.  
The impala was parked outside when you got there and you knew Sam and Dean would be furious when you walked in. Despite the fact that your legs felt like lead and you wanted to vomit, you walked inside and pushed open the door.  
“Y/N!” you were met with the boys loud voices and you flinched.  
“Where the hell were you!?” Sam demanded, rushing to you and checking to make sure you weren’t injured.  
“I…I just needed to go for a drive.” You said lamely. “I must have forgotten my phone, sorry.”  
“A drive?” Dean asked incredulously. “At three in the morning? That’s bullshit, Y/N.”  
“You guys were out that late!” you hissed.  
“Yeah on a supply run, not just some random drive.” Sam said, still holding on to you. “We were worried sick, Y/N. Where were you?”  
“Nowhere!” you said and pulled back from him forcefully. Your bag fell from your grip and to your horror one of the tests fell out. Sam bent down to pick it up and you felt like you might pass out. He stared at it for a hauntingly long time before his eyes raised to you. The expression in them was unreadable.  
Dean cleared his throat awkwardly. “Um…I forgot something at the store. I’ll just uh…okay.” He grabbed the keys to the impala and bolted out the door, leaving you and Sam alone; in silence.  
You were waiting for him to speak first but the silence was deafening. Finally you couldn’t take it any longer.  
“I’m sorry,” you whispered. “I’m so, so sorry.”  
Sam’s expression changed to one of concern. “Sorry?” he repeated. “What are you sorry for?”  
You shrugged, folding in on yourself and sitting down on the bed. “For screwing up. For forgetting protection or not stopping myself before we did it without. I’m sorry for freaking out, and taking off. I’m sorry for…” you took a deep breath. “I’m sorry for ruining your life, and for burdening you with this! I’m sorry that I will be a horrible mom and I know this isn’t what you wanted—at least not while you’re hunting—so I’ll just go…” you made to get up, barely able to see through your tears, but Sam put his hands out, stopping you.  
“Y/N…” he whispered gently, coaxing your face up with his hand under your chin. “Y/N look at me,” you obliged and found kindness in his eyes. “I’m not mad at you. And you have no reason to be sorry.”  
“But I forgot—“  
“We forgot protection. It’s not like I made any move to stop it either. While I wish you would have told me before you took off I understand that you were freaked out. And as for the ruining my life part…” he put both hands on your face and smiled a small little smile at you. “You aren’t in the slightest. You are the best thing to ever happen to me, Y/N. And I know I’ve said in the past that I don’t want to raise kids while hunting but…to be honest I was lying. There is nothing more in this world that I want than to have kids. And I want them with you, Y/N.” he wiped a tear from his cheek. “We can stop hunting if that’s what you want! If that’s what it takes to make it work. I want this, Y/N, I really do.”  
You let his words sink in and threw your arms around him, the both of you clinging to each other and crying. He pulled back and stared at you, a wide smile on his face.  
“I’m gonna be a dad…” he whispered in awe and you laughed, kissing him passionately.  
Since you’d told Sam he had cut down the hunting. While Dean was frustrated not having a full-time partner he understood your reasons and made due without Sam. You were staying at Bobby’s full time now. Bobby took good care of you and seemed grateful for the company. He taught you to cook and you cleaned for him—because God knows his house needed it—and the two of you would stay up late watching old movies. You could tell he was excited about having a baby around, even if he did play devil’s advocate on occasion when you or the boys were doing something stupid, or forgot a critical part of baby-proofing. You couldn’t help but think he would’ve been an amazing father...and then when you saw him around Sam and Dean, you reminded yourself that he was a better father to them than John was. But you would never say that to any of them.  
Ellen and Jo would come over sometimes—which, you noticed, made Bobby’s mood increase exponentially—and you an Jo had a lot of fun making fun of the boys and getting a makeshift nursery ready in one of Bobby’s guest rooms. Sam had said he wanted his own house but you wanted the baby to have a room when s/he was born and you weren’t sure a house was realistic right now. Ellen helped you clean, saying you shouldn’t be on your feet so much and Jo—much to Ellen’s dismay—became Dean’s new hunting partner to replace Sam.  
You were happy. You didn’t think it would happen like this and you definitely didn’t envision your child surrounded by hunters but you had to admit, this wasn’t a bad family to be around. No child would be more loved or protected than yours, and you were incredibly grateful to everyone for their help and acceptance.  
Sam had his head in your lap and you were absentmindedly running your fingers through his hair.  
“Peter,” you said and Sam wrinkled his nose.  
“Sounds like a rabbit name…Andrew.”  
“No, because someone will call him Drew and that’s a douchebag name. Richard!”  
“You do realize the nickname for Richard is Dick right?” Sam joked and you pouted.  
“Wesley…” you murmured and Sam smiled at you.  
“Well with the way your face just lit up, I have to assume that’s your favorite.” He laughed and kissed your forehead. “I love it.”  
“Okay let’s move on from boy names.” You suggested. “What about girl names?”  
Sam clammed up at that and you tapped his forehead. “Hey, what’s wrong?”  
“I don’t want to talk about girl names.” He murmured and you frowned.  
“Why not?”  
He sat up and ran his hands through his hair. “I just don’t, okay? I think Bobby and Ellen need help with dinner, and you need to rest so—“  
“No they don’t. Sam, what’s wrong? I thought you didn’t care if it was a boy or a girl?”  
He rubbed the back of his neck and made a weird half-nod motion with his head. “I—I don’t I just—“  
“Then what’s the problem?” you demanded. “Sam. Look at me.”  
He turned towards you and took your hands in his. “Promise me you won’t get angry.”  
You frowned and got nervous. “I promise…”  
“I don’t want us to have a girl.”  
You wanted to pull back all of the sudden. “But you said—!”  
He put a finger over your mouth, looking into your eyes seriously. “Hear me out! I don’t want us to have a girl because…” he took a deep breath. “Because I would go crazy. I wouldn’t ever stop thinking about her getting hurt or kidnapped or even stubbing her toe! I would constantly worry about the people she hangs out with, whether or not their monsters, because we both know humans can be monsters too. And I wouldn’t want to let her out of my sight! Already I feel that way with you and I can’t imagine having a daughter and a wife that I’m worried about twenty-four-seven! It would drive me to literal insanity and after everything that’s happened I don’t think I could do that! All this has finally made me see what my dad was going through…”  
You didn’t hear the end of his rant though. Your heart and mind were set on one word he’d uttered almost without thinking and you took a deep breath, tears filling your eyes.  
“Wife?” you whispered and Sam’s eyes widened and he covered his mouth with his hands in shock.  
“I wanted it to be a surprise…” he said quietly, pulling out a small box from his back pocket. You covered your mouth and ignored the happy tears rolling down your face. “But I guess I let the cat out of the bag so…” he opened the box slowly, revealing a modest but beautiful ring. “So Y/N Y/L/N…will you marry me?”  
You let out a half-squeal half-laugh and nodded vigorously, barely letting him slip the ring on your finger before you jumped at him, kissing him on the mouth.  
Dean walked in just then, holding a beer and saw the two of you kissing. His eyes found your left hand and his jaw dropped.  
“Sam!” he exclaimed. “I thought you were gonna let us be there when you asked her!”  
You pulled back from Sam and hit Dean’s arm. “You knew!?”  
“Aw sugar we all knew,” you just noticed Ellen standing in the doorway, a dirty rag in her hands. Bobby and Jo were standing next to her, smiling. “Sam promised we could help him plan but looks like he just couldn’t wait.”  
“Screw this!” Dean said, putting his beer on the table. “We need to celebrate! Bobby you got any champagne?”  
Bobby raised his eyebrows. “Yeah, I keep it next to my linen tablecloths and crystal decanters. Best I’ve got is whiskey and some stale cake.”  
“That sounds perfect!” Sam laughed, still wrapped around you. He leaned his head down and kissed the top of your head.  
“Just water for me!” you said quickly. “Don’t want to hurt the little one.” You patted your stomach and the baby did a happy little kick inside of you.  
It happened in the middle of the night. You woke up to a sharp pain in your abdomen and thought you must have slept in an awkward position. You turned over and felt slightly better but after a moment the pain happened again, longer and more painful now. You gasped and sat up, pressing lightly on the slight bulge in your stomach and wincing at the pain. You gasped again and got up, thinking maybe water would help. However the pain was too severe and you bent over, clutching the end of the bed for support. You closed your eyes and saw little white sparks behind your lids. You felt another rip of pain tear through your abdomen and took a deep breath. You weren’t sure but you thought you knew what this was. You opened your eyes slowly and looked back at the bed, your worst fears confirmed. The sheets were covered in blood as were your pajama shorts. Your own blood, and a lot of it.  
"Sam!" you shrieked, wishing you hadn’t told him to stay up celebrating while you went to bed. "Dean! Bobby! Sam!"  
You yelled again and prayed they would hear you.  
You collapsed on the ground as the pain increased and thought you heard someone open the door. You looked up and saw Jo in the doorway, her hand over her mouth.

"H-help..." you moaned and she raced away.  
For a moment you panicked but she quickly returned with Dean looking disheveled and slightly annoyed. However his expression quickly changed when he saw you and he began speaking quickly to Jo, but you could not hear him over the sound of blood in your ears and the pain spreading throughout your abdomen. You shut your eyes against the pain, trying not to black out. You felt hands on you and Dean tilted your face up.  
"Stay with me, Y/N." He begged, sounding more frightened than you had ever heard. He moved behind you, pulling you between his legs and propping you up.  
"C'mon Y/N, please. It's alright, it'll be alright. Stay awake please stay awake."  
You tried to follow his advice and kept breathing and opened your eyes when you heard the door open again. Jo had returned with Bobby, Ellen and Sam. jo looked frightened, Bobby concerned and like his brain was moving a million miles an hour. Ellen ran out. However all you saw was Sam. He took one look at you and you could see all of the blood physically drain from his face. He tried to move towards you. Bobby put a hand on his arm.  
"Jo go start the car! Sam check for hex bags and then go downstairs."  
"Bobby!" Sam choked.  
"You won't be any help when you're so worried about her!" Bobby said quickly, now leaning over you, pressing his hand to your stomach, which made you cry out. "Dean and I can handle it, go!"  
"Sam..." you croaked, trying to stay awake. Another shudder ripped through you as your abdomen felt like it was being ripped open and you screamed.  
"Move you idjits!" Bobby yelled, moving to take Dean's place behind you. Jo pushed Sam out of the room, both of them staring at you in horror as Bobby and Dean attempted to save you, and hopefully the life inside you. The last thing you saw was their faces, both stained with tears and fear and you let the blackness consume you.  
You woke up feeling groggy and in pain. Your head ached and you felt like your body had been shrunk and inflated half a dozen times. You didn't want to open your eyes but something told you that you had to. It was dark in the room. You were covered in a myriad of blankets and had at least three pillows under your head. A quiet beeping was coming from next to you and you looked over to see a hospital monitor next to your bed.  
You turned slightly--ignoring the pain--and saw Sam asleep in a chair next to you. He looked the same as last night--or was it days ago?--he was still in his pajamas with a jacket thrown over his tee shirt. You wanted to say something to him but just as you opened your mouth the door opened and he started awake. You shut your eyes quickly again, trying not to fall unconscious again.  
"Morning," Dean said, sounding groggy.  
"Is it?" Sam asked, his voice equally as hoarse. "What time is it?"  
"Almost three." Dean said and you heard him pull a chair over and sit down. "Ellen said we should let her rest. She ‘suggested’ we go home and get some sleep.” He said but he didn't sound like he agreed.  
"I can't leave her." Sam moaned quietly.  
“Yeah, me neither.” Dean agreed.  
"I feel like if I take my eyes off her for even a second she'll disappear from me again." Sam said and you could hear from his voice that he was crying. "What did the doctor say?"  
"He said her body needs to adjust, fix itself. He said we shouldn't worry yet."  
"Yet." Sam repeated dejectedly and Dean said nothing. They were both silent for a moment or two.  
"I'm sorry, Sam." Dean said quietly. "I know what that kid meant to you."  
Meant. Past tense. And right there in that one word your worst fears were confirmed. Your baby was dead.  
"Wesley." Sam whispered after a moment. "His name would have been Wesley. She only mentioned it once but I know she loved the name."  
“Wesley.” Dean repeated. "Good name."  
You felt a hand clasp lightly around yours. You sighed and fluttered your eyelids open. Sam gasped and Dean moved to kneel beside him.  
"Y/N!" They breathed at the same time.  
"How do you feel?" Dean asked while Sam just stared at you in awe and relief.  
"Like death." You said, wincing at how hoarse your voice sounded. "How long was I unconscious?"  
They looked at one another as though debating something and then Dean spoke.  
“A day or two." He said and you sighed, not wanting to ask but knowing you should.  
"And...and the baby?"  
Their looks were confirmation enough. You started to cry and turned on your side, ignoring the pain. Sam crawled in next to you immediately and cried with you, your pain equal and intense. Dean kissed your forehead for a long moment and then placed his hand on his brother’s shoulder before leaving you. Parents that never were, mourning a child that was never born.  
The next morning you and Sam were still huddled together. Though your eyes had dried you were both still wrecked emotionally. He held you tightly and you buried your face in his chest. You didn’t think either of you had gotten any sleep. He looked down at you and stroked the hair from your face. His eyes were bloodshot and puffy, his nose red and dry and his hair hung matted around his face; you could only imagine what you looked like. He didn't say anything but he didn't really need to.  
Bobby, Jo and Ellen came by eventually. None of them seemed to know what to say but you didn’t care. You knew nothing anyone could say would make this pain go away. Even Sam was being quiet, only answering when asked a direct question. Even when you were released from the hospital he barely said a word, just helped you get dressed and drove you back to Bobby’s. Everyone else went to bed telling you they loved you both in quiet voices. It felt like you were the one who had died, not your child. As you and Sam got ready for bed you couldn’t take the silence anymore.  
“For God’s sake, Sam say something!” you begged and he looked up at you with dead eyes.  
“What do you want me to say?” he deadpanned and you threw your hands up in the air and let them fall, refraining from crying.  
“I don’t know just say something, anything! I can’t take this silence anymore!” you walked over and took his hands in yours tightly. “Yell, scream, cry just…tell me what you’re thinking!”  
He just shrugged and you lashed out, holding back a scream.  
“For Christ’s sake Sam! I can’t just sit here and watch you retreat into yourself! I lost something too you know! My body is wrecked from the loss of our child and you just sit their sulking! I need you right now, Sam! I need you to hold me and let me cry, and tell me I’m not a failure because I can’t do the one thing women were designed to do!” you felt your chest tighten but ignored it. “I want you to tell me that you don’t hate me for losing our child!”  
That made him look at you. His eyes turned from dead to devastated and he came to you.  
“Y/N…” he whispered, wrapping his arms around you. “Oh my God, Y/N no. No I could never hate you. Shh, sweetheart, I’m here.” He let you cry and held you tightly, his own tears falling on your head. “You didn’t fail, Y/N. You didn’t do anything wrong, do you hear me? I would have done anything to spare you from this.”  
You choked and looked up at him. “Y-you don’t hate me?” you asked timidly and he shook his head violently.  
“I could never hate you. Never.” He paused. “But I am angry, Y/N. I’m angry at myself, the world, God…everything! Everyone in my life gets hurt! Jess, Sarah, Madison and now…now you. I thought just maybe we could get past that idiotic curse that seems to be hanging over my relationships. I wanted this to be a new start for us and when you got pregnant I thought we could finally be happy! But when I saw you on the floor like that, covered in blood…” he took a deep breath and fell back onto the bed, his head in his hands, and you could tell he was crying. “I ruin everything I touch, Y/N!” with that he fell into a fit of sobs and your heart broke.  
You knelt in front of him and touched his hands, making him take them away from his face.  
“Sam, look at me.” You said gently. “We are both broken right now. But that doesn’t mean you broke anything. For some reason we’ve gotten the short end of the straw again, and again but…we have each other. There’s a silver lining here. We don’t deserve what’s happened to us and it’ll take us a long, long time to get over this. But we will work through it together. You didn’t ruin me, Sam. And you didn’t lose me. I’m right here.” You kissed him lightly and he held on to you for dear life.  
You couldn’t sleep. You kept seeing faceless children behind your lids, begging you to help them. When you swung your legs over the side of the bed and slipped on a sweater you heard Sam groan and you knew he was awake. But he said nothing as you got up slowly and tiptoed down the hall.  
You stood in the doorway, leaning against the frame, staring at the nursery in silence. There were little glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling, that you and Sam had spent hours on, placing them specifically so they formed constellations. There was a mobile hanging from the fan with little clouds and animals hanging from it. In the corner was a crib that Dean had made—insisting he hadn’t worked that hard on it—and inside was Jo’s very own baby blanket that she and Ellen had given to you, Jo saying that since she wasn’t settling down any time soon it would be nice to get some use out of it.  
On the other side of the room was a dresser that Sam had painted with little stars and moons to match the ceiling. It was low enough that you could change a baby on top of it but currently it held an assortment of baby toys. Pacifiers, diapers, rattles, different stuffed animals, and other baby-items filled the dresser. You fiddled with the ring on your left hand, wondering if Sam even wanted to marry you anymore. After all he’d only asked because of the baby and now… Well you wouldn’t be a family anymore. Would he feel like he had to marry you, out of pity? Or would he call off the entire thing? You didn’t want to think about it.  
Something on the dresser caught your eye and you moved forward slowly, picking up the framed picture carefully. Under the glass was a picture from an ultrasound a few weeks prior. The nurse had pointed out where the baby was sitting and you were touched when Sam started crying. Now all the picture was was a reminder of what could have been, what you should have protected and what you lost.  
Almost without thinking you threw the picture on the ground, the sound of the shattering glass extremely cathartic. Following that feeling, you knocked everything else off of the dresser with a swipe of your arm. You were crying but ignored it, letting silent screams rip through your chest. You made your way across the room, ripping the mobile down and smashing it on the ground.  
“Y/N!” you heard Sam behind you but ignored him, pounding the mobile against the ground again and again. “Y/N, stop it!” he wrapped his arms around you, pinning your arms to your sides and pulled you against him, your back to his chest. He lifted you off the ground slightly when you struggled against his hold but your chest felt like it was exploding and you gave in to the tears and screams, letting Sam collapse on the floor with you against him. He let you sob, crying with you and whispering sweet words of comfort in your ear. His hand brushed from your hair down your back slowly. You heard someone else come and ask what was going on but Sam sent them away.  
“I failed, Sam.” you cried. “Bobby said there weren’t any hex bags which means it wasn’t a curse. My body just failed me and…and…” you gulped down a sob. “I let our baby die! I should have eaten better, went on more walks, I shouldn’t have helped Ellen clean so much or, or—“  
Sam shook his head and put his finger over your lips. “Stop blaming yourself, Y/N. There is absolutely nothing you could have done to prevent this! There’s nothing either of us could have done! I love you so, so much, Y/N. And I’m not going anywhere, I promise. I’m right here, sweetheart, I’m right here. See this?” he held up your left hand, pointing at the ring. “That’s a promise. I. Will. Be. Here. Dean, Ellen, Bobby and Jo, they’re here too. You aren’t alone in this, okay? We aren’t alone.” You kissed him and curled into his chest. He helped you stand up but when you put pressure on your left foot it hurt.  
“Shit,” you said, twisting your leg so you could see the blood on the ball of your foot. “I must’ve stepped in glass.”  
Without a word Sam picked you up in his arms and took you back to your room, sitting you on the bed before getting a wet towel and some tweezers. He pulled all the glass out and wiped away the blood before wrapping it tightly in a bandage. Then he got in bed with you and wrapped his arms around you, the two of you just being, feeling the loss but also feeling the love you felt for each other.  
You knew the two of you wouldn’t get over this loss any time soon, and it would mean a lot more fights, sleepless nights and hurt before you were able to feel normal again. But you had Sam and that gave you comfort to face whatever was coming next. And for that, you were thankful.


End file.
